So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Randomize
