I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Found your dick twin last night
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Randomize
