Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
