I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
