Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Randomize
