soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
