I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Randomize
