I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Randomize
