He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Randomize
