Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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