You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
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