I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
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