How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Randomize
