he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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