John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
