my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
