one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
