threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
