I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I can feel your judgement through the phone
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Randomize
