all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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