Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
and she was petting her beer can
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Randomize
