Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize
