last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Randomize
