i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Randomize
