He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
