I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
