you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
You ruined the universe
Randomize
