Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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