I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
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