i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I got inside last night via doggy door
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
