I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
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