the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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