Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
pray to the hookup gods
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Randomize
