jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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