I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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