Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
