Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Randomize
