My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Randomize
