There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
