nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
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