I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
foreskin is a definite game changer
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
