Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Randomize
