But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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