I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
