Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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