i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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