Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
