Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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