I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Randomize
