He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
