capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
