It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
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