as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
